She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
