hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
