watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
