Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize