I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
