My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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