My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
