i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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