My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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