True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
