Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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