My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
