I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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