I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
