My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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