You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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