Well apparently he's into motor boating.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
