We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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