OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
