Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
