Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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