Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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