Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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