i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I am one with the molecules
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
