I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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