Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
