I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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