she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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