My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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