Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
