yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
