remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
