And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
