He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
