i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
