I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
