good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
