a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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