My sheets look like a crime scene.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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