see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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