Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
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