From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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