you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
