I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize