I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize