"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
