do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
