i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
