My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
