He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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