I can tuck mytits in my pants
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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