A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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