Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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