the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
