I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
