Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
