Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
