DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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