I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
