life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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