She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
