I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
