WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
And then my night got REAL pukey
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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